


Things That Make You Think Different

by schneefink



Category: Steerswoman Series - Rosemary Kirstein
Genre: Gen, Post-Adventure, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:20:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21839620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schneefink/pseuds/schneefink
Summary: Alemeth will go on forever, more or less the same. It's Steffie that's changed.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 19
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	Things That Make You Think Different

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nnozomi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nnozomi/gifts).



> Happy Yuletide!  
> I love Steffie too, and I hope you enjoy this story :)

Steffie tried to give Mel coin for the beer she just brought him, but she just winked and shook her head. Feeling a little embarrassed, he took a large swallow.

"That been happening to you a lot?" Dan asked. The cooper sat down next to him.

Steffie shrugged awkwardly. "Now and then. I tried telling them I'm no steersman yet, but…" He hadn't even told anyone about his new goal himself, at first. He'd wanted to make sure it'd come across right. But Rowan had told, the first time someone asked her what Steffie was still doing at the Annex all the time, now that Bel lived there too. It'd caused something of an uproar, and Steffie'd had to repeat many times that he was being serious. Rowan and Zenna seemed to have no doubts at all that Steffie would do well at the Academy, which was nice. He tried hard to believe them. If nothing else, it would be right embarrassing if after all that fuss he was sent back after a month.

"Close enough," Dan said amiably. "You know, I can't remember there's ever been a steerswoman from Alemeth."

"There was," Steffie said. "'Bout a hundred years ago. Elena. She traveled along the Wulf valley and wrote about the plants and music there." He'd found her journals two weeks ago and had read them all. Zenna had even given him a few days off from their normal lessons so he could read through Elena's books. Then they talked about them together and Zenna had told him about different kinds of musical notes. Bel had found them very amusing.

"That something you're going to do?"

"Don't know yet. Probably not. I'm not really the musical type."

"Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out. You'll make us proud out there, representing Alemeth." Dan clapped Steffie's shoulder and stood up. "Give my best to your ladies, won't you?" he said with a wink, and then sauntered off.

Steffie rolled his eyes.

He sat at a corner table at Brewer's, a little apart from the center of the celebration of the shopkeeper Michael's birthday, which suited him fine. Not long ago Steffie would have been here with Gwen, with her sitting next to him or maybe in his lap, and maybe they would have left early together, or stayed until late.

But things had been awkward with him and Gwen since he'd come back from the Dolphin Stair. They hadn't really talked, but somehow they both knew that what they had before was over. In the first few days he'd caught Gwen looking at him sometimes like she had something to say, and he'd thought about what he might say to her, only his head had always gone blank when he tried to think of something. Then it'd come out that he was going to the Academy, and she'd avoided him ever since.

He figured it was probably better this way. He'd asked Zenna if steerswomen had families and she said it was rare. Sometimes steerswomen would leave the order to settle down with a family, and even more rarely a partner would travel with them, or come to live at the Archives. Zenna had watched him carefully, checking his reaction, but to Steffie's own surprise it didn't bother him much. Having a family and tykes of his own was always more something he knew was expected of him than something he himself wished for. Maybe he'd change his mind later, but that was far off.

"No other steerswomen here tonight, eh?"

Steffie looked up and saw old Galer stand in front of his table, giving him a nasty glare.

"No," Steffie said, looking straight back.

"Good," Galer said. He was swaying a little like he was drunk already. "Always bringing trouble, these steerswomen. Now there's two of them, and an Outskirter, and they've been filling your head with all kinds of funny stuff. Like I've been telling your Ma, you shouldn't spend so much time with them. Nothing good comes from that."

It wasn't the first time Steffie heard that. It'd hurt at first, and then he'd argued, but it was hard to stop people believing something wrong when they were determined to. And Zenna had told him to leave it be, and she was the one who'd be living here the longest, so he'd listened. Wasn't always easy, letting it go, but he was learning.

When Steffie didn't react, Galer nodded to himself like he was satisfied, and walked away.

At least he wouldn't have said that if Zenna was still here. People liked Zenna, still, even though she said she believed Rowan completely and that Rowan and Bel could stay at the Annex for as long as they needed. Many folks had not been too happy about that, what with Bel being an Outskirter. There'd been grumbling about feeding them, but Bel had offered to work, except turned out nobody really wanted to work with her, so she went hunting and sold what she got and that was enough.

And Zenna had come to the birthday party. She always came to parties when she could. She'd left after only a short while though, saying she was tired, and only Steffie knew her well enough to see how she was trying not to grimace and realize her leg was probably bothering her. She'd be in a bad mood tomorrow, so she'd probably quiz him on sailing again. It made her feel better, and Steffie didn't mind. Maybe he could ask one of the fishermen to let him take Zenna out on their boat for a little while, that always cheered her up.

Rowan hadn't even been invited. Nobody would have said anything if she had shown up, of course, and Zenna had encouraged her. But Rowan and the town had come to a kind of awkward truce based on the understanding that she wouldn't be staying here for much longer, only until she was healed. So Rowan didn't see the need to be very social, even now that her leg was a bit better. It made her stand apart even more, but Rowan didn't much care, and Zenna and Steffie had mostly given up trying to convince her otherwise.

Steffie thought that Rowan wasn't as good as she thought she was at hiding how hurt she was about how the town had reacted to her tale. They'd asked her what had happened, and she'd told them the truth because she was a steerswoman, and everybody knew that she wasn't lying because she was a steerswoman. But thing was, that still didn't mean that they had to believe her, especially about the demons being people and all. Steffie couldn't even really blame them: it had taken him a long time, too, and he'd already gotten used to having to think of things differently because of Rowan. Without practice, of course it would be hard to wrap one's head around. Much easier to believe that she'd been seeing things wrong because of her injuries, or interpreting things wrong. And then people had asked about Janus, and Rowan told them what he'd done, and then she'd told them why. And then some people had said that Janus was right to do what he did, if the demons had been building ships to come and attack, and Rowan had become angry, but she'd still been pretty sick then and Bel had stopped the discussion when it looked like Rowan was going to fall over. Rowan hadn't been happy about that either. But since then she'd only talked to a few people at a time, and that seemed to go a little better, from what Steffie could tell. Still, mostly the town had agreed not to talk about the demons, or Janus, or anything that had happened.

Bel hadn't been surprised. She didn't think much of the people of Alemeth since she learned that they'd believed Janus over Rowan, even though they'd known Janus far longer and Bel herself had believed Janus' story about being captured by a wizard. Bel didn't like to be reminded of that, and so Steffie hadn't brought it up again.

Bel was mostly friendly, but she could be scary too, especially when she was teaching him swordfighting. Zenna had thought that it could wait, but Rowan and Bel didn't think so, and Steffie hadn't wanted to argue. He wasn't especially good at it yet. But he was making some progress, which was better than nothing. Currently he was getting a break, since Bel was gone for a few weeks to bring a message to other Outskirters. Probably about the demons, Steffie figured, though he hadn't asked for details. She'd used some creative threats of what she'd do if Rowan wasn't safe and well when she returned, which Rowan had scolded her for but Steffie was sure that Bel hadn't been joking.

Loud laughter from another table nearby dragged Steffie out of his thoughts. It was a group of young people, and Gwen was there, too.

"Hey, Steffie!" someone called, and Steffie realized that he'd been caught staring in the direction of the table. They were all looking at him now, including Gwen, who looked furious. She was sitting next to Mats, which was odd, because she'd never liked him much.

"Hey, Steffie! You're going to be a steerswoman, right?"

"Steersman," Steffie muttered.

"So you have to answer any question! Does Gwen like it rough?" Mats asked with a leer and an obscene gesture.

Gwen jumped up, slapped him, and stormed away. Mats and two of his friends laughed.

If Rowan or Zenna or Bel were here, they would know the right thing to say to make them shut up, and make sure they wouldn't say something like that again. But Steffie was just Steffie, and so he sat there and tried to come up with the right words while his head was going red. 

He wasn't a steersman yet, he didn't have to answer any of their questions. But when he was a steersman he'd still return to Alemeth every once in a while to visit his family, and they could just ask again then, and then what would he say?

He remembered how Maysie had complained about Mira asking intrusive questions. It had only seemed impolite to him back then, but now it seemed like a betrayal. How could Mira abuse the position of a steerswoman like that? People answered a steerswoman's questions because they trusted her.

Well, no, they answered because otherwise the steerswoman wouldn't answer their own questions, and steerswoman often had useful information. But that alone wouldn't be enough, when anyone could always ask one of their friends to ask the steerswoman, and if they were clever about it then the steerswoman would never find out. 

No, people answered a steerswoman's questions because they trusted the idea of what a steerswoman was. They collected information and shared it with anyone who asked, for the good of everyone, that was the whole idea the Steerswomen were built on. Give answers, get answers. Simple.

And because it was so simple, it included information that maybe shouldn't be, like private information that nobody else had to know. So maybe it would be better if steerswomen only shared important information, not things that weren't relevant to anything. But then, who would trust them to be fair in which questions they would answer? And if a steerswoman could not answer certain questions, why couldn't the person she asked? No, the only way this exchange worked was for all questions, and all answers.

And that came with side-effects like people abusing the system, like Mira had done, like Mats was trying to do now.

Steffie tried to remember what Rowan had done, when people had asked her too many questions about her relationship with Janus. He'd heard that she'd started asking questions back. That must mean private questions the other person didn't want to answer themselves. But then they'd be under the Steerswomen's ban, just for being nosy. And Steffie hadn't noticed Rowan or Zenna being particularly careful when talking with someone. Maybe Rowan had given a warning first? Told them what she was going to ask, if they continued?

But even that only worked if the other person had a sense of shame. If they didn't care, then they could ask any question they liked. And one could give vague answers for a while – Rowan and Zenna were good at that – but not forever.

And that meant it wasn't really safe to tell any kind of secret to a steerswoman. But that didn't feel right, either. Rowan seemed like a person who knew secrets. Which was a weird thought, since Rowan was the one always talking about the importance of sharing information. But Steffie was also sure that if someone told her a secret, and it was private, that she would do all she could not to share it. And hadn't she talked about the Outskirters using secret passphrases once? Surely she must have learned some, and she wouldn't share those either, if they were secret and it was important.

He'd have to ask her carefully, so she knew he wasn't trying to find out the words. Ask her to help him learn how to answer a question without answering it. Which was the opposite of what steerswomen were supposed to do, in general, but clearly there were exceptions.

When Steffie blinked and his thoughts returned to the inn, Mats and his friends had long lost interest. Nobody else was looking at him either, or laughing. Zenna and Rowan had told him not to feel embarrassed about getting distracted by his thoughts, but the habit was hard to shake.

He needed fresh air. Steffie stood up and made his way out the front door.

He'd only made a few steps when a hand grabbed his and pulled him into the next alley.

"Gwen?" Steffie asked, even though he didn't need to.

"You're not going to tell Mats, are you?" Gwen demanded. She sounded both angry and worried. It was too dark for Steffie to see her face clearly.

"Of course not. I'm not even a steersman yet."

"But would you, if you were?"

He wanted to reassure her, but everything he'd just thought about, about steerswomen and questions and secrets, got tangled up in his head. What came out was, "I'd try not to."

"You'd… It's like I don't even know you anymore! The Steffie I knew would never have betrayed my confidence! What happened?"

What had happened? So much. Steffie thought back to the last few months: Mira's death, the demon attacks, going to rescue Janus, learning how to become a steersman…

"It's Rowan, isn't it," Gwen said bitterly. "You've been weird ever since she came to town. She gave you all these strange ideas. I wish she'd never come."

"It's not Rowan's fault," Steffie protested. Though he wondered if it was, a little. If Rowan hadn't come to Alemeth and there was no steerswoman in the Annex until Zenna, months later, would Steffie still have become involved like he had, and realized that he wanted to become a steersman? Though if Rowan hadn't come, they'd probably all have been killed by the demons, so it was useless to think about.

"Whatever. I hope you're happy with the Steerswomen."

Gwen walked past him without even looking at him.

"Bye, Gwen," Steffie said quietly.

He'd thought he'd feel worse about saying goodbye to Gwen, but it was just proof of what he'd already known. Better to have a clean break, as his Ma would say. He felt sad, but he'd be okay.

It wasn't that late yet. Rowan or Zenna might still be up, reading books by candlelight. They'd be surprised to see him, but they'd welcome him, like he belonged there. Because he was going to be a steersman.

Steffie took a deep breath and walked to the Annex.


End file.
